Sunglasses in a nightclub

If you wear sunglasses in a nightclub, you are a retarded idiot - male or female - and deserve compulsory sterilisation to prevent future generations being afflicted with your stupidity.

Nightclubs are dark. Sunglasses make things darker. So by logic you should be blind when you wear sunglasses in a nightclub. Which would explain some of their behaviour, come to think about it.

Then there's male patron dancing - it's so spasmodic I wonder whether to laugh or administer an insulin shot in case they're actually having a seizure as opposed to dancing like they are.

I was stuck on one of the main dancefloors for the first part of the night. Patrons were irritating me through their existence, so I managed to swap out to a position outside the club. In fact it was opposite the road to the club. Which suited me fine. Many other bouncers hate not being inside and contracting gods know what from the patrons by proxy.
It was a VERY hot night so I was more than happy to sit in the fresh air getting paid the same rate as the people inside sweating themselves thin.

The only incident that happened was a group of three backpackers walked past when I was doing the important mental calculation of whether to have a kebab or go home after shift. One of them decided to yell 'BOO' at me because he thought it was a fun thing to do. I was just about to make up my mind so was not impressed and yelled at him. They couldn't understand why I was yelling at them, and tried to cross the road into the club. I radioed up that they were disorderely and disrepectful to security staff, so they were refused entry. They can say what they like, but we can still ruin their night!

Hiatus

Things got stupidly busy over Christmas - worked every night except Christmas Day. Seriously. But I made good money and have now got a pay rise, so can't whinge too much.

New Year's Eve was surpisingly uneventful at the bar I worked at. New Year's Day involved 16 hours - 10 at a big horse race and the other 6 at the usual bar. Both were busy, feral and full of idiots. A complaint was made that I took bribes on the gate. Which is bullshit - I didn't get a chance to! Meanwhile someone else pulled in $2k of bribes and got away with it. Bastard.

Yesterday I received a court summons to testify against a guy who assaulted me nearly a year ago. I've quite honestly forgotten most of the incident and really have better things to do than dredge it up so that he can get a slap on the wrist and a $200 fine.

Meanwhile, my hours seem to have shot up to four/five nights a week again. Which is good for the extra cash but I'm worried about creeping into a higher tax bracket and the last thing I want to do is pay more tax to a government who couldn't spend it properly if they tried.

On another note I've started carrying Speedcuffs on the door. It's raised a lot of eyebrows with everyone except the police. But there's no law against it and they're quite visible on the belt. Strangely enough, since I've started wearing them, nobody's fucked with me. At all. Though it might have something to do with with the fact that I've taken to wearing my police-issue kevlar-lined leather gloves anytime I can unless the weather is unbearably hot. Patrons either ignore it or ask why I'm wearing them.

The line I give is 'It protects my hands from cuts, scratches and bites'. The real reason that voices itself in my head as I tell them this is 'Because I would rather do anything else in the world than come into physical contact with you after you've spent hours in a sweatbox covered in alcohol, tears, sweat and god knows what else. Plus you could be Hep C positive for all I know. Please don't bleed on me!' Other door staff don't mind touching, hugging or kissing patrons (especially the female ones) after they come out from the club at chuck-out. I'd rather not - it means I'll have to sanitise my clothes and any exposed skin after.

We're also facing a dilemma at one of the venues. The place has large windows, which due to the heat are staying open most of the night. In a spectacular design floor, these windows set the background against which the lines form. They're fronted by two railings but are being easily navigated by people who are vaulting over them when it's busy and there's a line out front.


We have an unofficial policy of performing loud, high-profile, messy and sometimes painful removals of those who do decide to practice their gymnastics and put them on the floor out the front. It's in full view of the line to send a message to them all - 'Jump the windows and you'll get humiliated and put on your arse'. For the most part it works, but it's not a long term solution. Management want to put more railings in. I personally think it'll make the place look like Fort Knox. I suggested running small wires down the inside of the railings, which are subtle and covert, but around which the jumpers have to curl their hands to get a grip on the railinsg. We then electrify those wires. It's cheap and legal and we can set the voltage so we don't have to hurt them, merely make them feel quite uncomfortable and dissuade them from jumping.

For some reason management are sticking with the railings. They also ignored my request for a water cannon to clear out the beer garden of stragglers who take the piss in leaving. So Saturday night I'm just going to rig up the hose they use to wash the floors after closing and attach a nozzle to it. Hey - it's hot at the moment - the patrons should be grateful! And let's face it - many of them need a wash!